How do People Become Best of Friends

University of the Philippines in Mindanao




How do People Become Best of Friends

(An Analysis Using Social Penetration Theory And Uncertainty Reduction Theory)







by: Armon Sheena Manaul



COMA101-B






Prof. Antonio Salvador S. de Veyra



March 27,2008


How do People Become Best of Friends (Best friends, page 1)

What is a best friend? How does it happen, that two people or more became that close to the extent that they call their selves best friend? Since then the proponent was intrigue on how do people communicate and interact during their first meeting with other people their age or not. That’s why the proponent was convinced to conduct a research about how do people really become best friends.

Irwin Altman and Dalmas Taylor’s Social Penetration Theory points that people develop close relationships with others through a peeling of layers in a gradual and orderly fashion from superficial to intimate levels of exchange as a function of both immediate and forecast outcomes.(Griffin 119)

Altman and Taylor compare people to onions. This may seem like an absurd comparison, but when explored more deeply it makes quite a bit of sense. The social penetration theory is a description of the multi-layered nature of people's personalities. As the outer skin of an onion is peeled away another layer is found beneath it, and if you remove that layer you will expose another layer, and so forth. The same holds true for people; as we get to know someone better we expose more layers of their personality and hence become closer to the core of the individual, or the private self The outer layers of our personality is the public self, or characteristics that are apparent to people we do not know very well. Some of these characteristics include a person's world view, studies, and tastes (Griffin, 1997, p. 145). Altman and Taylor proceed to say that in order for people to develop close
(Best friends, page 2)
and meaningful relationships penetration must occur; this process requires self-disclosure and vulnerability in order to be achieved. People are able to choose who they want to become closer to and to decide how much of their private self they want to expose.

Like slicing an onion inner core is the hardest to penetrate. And you will learn these as the time pass by and the relationship is on the stage where you will learn about each others secret and private information.

With this, I remember the day that Shanky(my best friends name) and I meet the first time. It was the first day of our class during our third year in high school, when I saw this unfamiliar face sitting alone at the corner of the room. She was so silent. I told myself that the girl sitting at the corner is really beautiful. I asked some of my friends if they know the girl and they said that they don’t know who the girl was sitting at the corner. I approached her and asked her name. At first she really looks hesitant and she’s uncertain whether to answer me or not. As time pass by she looks comfortable enough to answer my questions. We talked and talked until the bell rang. We discovered that we both had a lot in common on the surface, our tastes in clothes, our world view, and preference in music. However. these were just superficial areas we had in common, and in order to determine if we were really compatible or not social penetration had to occur.

In this situation, I remember Altman and Taylor’s four observations about the social penetration process (Griffin 121)
(Best friends, page 3)
Peripheral items are exchanged more frequently and sooner than private information. Here the relationship is still at relatively impersonal level.

This usually happens in the beginning of a relationship when it is still on a more impersonal and superficial level
Like on our first meeting it was only the little details that we both shared. Like what’s your name? How old are you? Where do you live? What are your likes and dislikes? Do you have a pet? and etc.


Self-disclosure is reciprocal, especially in the early stages of relationship development. Social penetration theory asserts a law of reciprocity.
Penetration is rapid at the start but slows down quickly as the tightly wrapped inner layers are reached.
Instant intimacy is a myth.
Societal norms prevent too much early self-disclosure
Most relationships stall before a stable intimate exchanged is established.
A comfortable sharing of positive and negative reactions is rare. When it is achieved, relationships become more important to both parties, more meaningful and more enduring.


(Best friends, page 4)
On the first part the penetration is still rapid because the questions that were being asked are easy to answer. But on the latter part it will quickly slows down because here emotions are involved. Some questions and answer might be
emotional.

Depenetration is a gradual process of layer-by-layer withdrawal.

During the time that the penetration is slowing down I though that she doesn’t like me that’s why she doesn’t share her inner thoughts with me. As the time passed by I learned from her that she’s only scared to share her secrets with me because I might avoid her.

Analysis using Social Penetration Theory is that it’s really hard to penetrate at the inner core of the person, like slicing the onion. Is it because at the inner core more emotions are involved.

It might be hard to penetrate but if you will try it’s really all worth the effort. I learned from her that her parents were separated when she was still young. That she felt incomplete. She shared that she has a lot of fears. She shared all her secrets to me and I did the same thing.

I thought before that genuine intimate exchange never happens, but when Shanky and became best of friends that’s the time I learned that it is really rare to achieved genuine
(Best friends, page 5)
intimate exchange but when it is achieved, relationships become meaningful and enduring.

In our relationship Uncertainty Reduction Theory of Charles R. Berger can also be applied.

The scope of Berger and Calabrese Uncertainty Reduction Theory rest on the premise that strangers, upon meeting, go through certain steps and checkpoints in order to reduce uncertainty about each other and form an idea of whether one likes or dislikes the other. When people interact, they will act to reduce the uncertainty about the other person.

As what have mentioned a while ago Shanky and I had uncertainties with each other on our first meeting. And through time, some steps and efforts those uncertainties might be lessen.
Berger separates the initial interaction of strangers into three stages, the entry stage, the personal stage, and the exit stage. Each category includes interactional behavior which serves as indicators of liking and disliking.

The first stage or the entry stage of relational development is characterized by the use of behavioral norms. The contents of exchanges are often demographic and transactional. Sample questions are: What is you’re name? Where are you from? What are you’re likes

(Best friends, page 6)
and dislikes? What are you’re hobby? Do you have a pet? The level of involvement will increase as the strangers move into the second stage.

Under the first phase was our first meeting. Where only peripheral items were exchanged between the two of us.

The second stage or the personal phase is when strangers begin to explore the attitudes and beliefs of the other. One will probe the other for indications of their values, morals, and personal issues. Emotional involvement tends to increase as disclosures are made.

Under this phase was the time that we both share our secrets and fears. Where private information were exchanged between the two of us. Where boundaries are relaxed and made ourselves vulnerable.

The final stage or the exit phase. Here, the former strangers decided if they want to continue to develop a relationship. If there is not a mutual liking, either can choose not to pursue a relationship.

Under this phase was the time that we decided whether to continue our friendship or not. Luckily, there was a mutual liking between us that’s why we pursue our friendship. Because we personally know each other in this phase we do a lot of things now together.

(Best friends, page 7)
We eat during lunch time together. We made projects and assignment together. We had our sleep over. She introduced me to her mom and dad and vice versa.

Under Berger’s Theory are seven axioms that can help us more understand how Shanky and I became best of friends with the help of Uncertainty Reduction Theory.

Axiom 1: Verbal Communication. Strangers enter an interaction with high levels of uncertainty about the other. However, as they begin to talk to one another, the level of uncertainty decreases. In turn, as the uncertainty decreases, the interactants will talk more.

During our first meeting high level of uncertainty is present, but as words begin to flow we discover that things about us make us feel more confident in each others presence.

Axiom 2: As nonverbal expressive communication increases, uncertainty levels decrease, and vice versa.

I can say that the smiles, eye contact and pleasant tone of voice shared between us help us to decrease the uncertainty level.
Axiom 3: Information Seeking. High level of uncertainty prompt strangers to ask more questions of the other. As uncertainty decreases, so does the posing of questions.

(Best friends, page 8)
Because we lack information with each other we ask a lot of questions to each other. As the questions were answer the uncertainty decreases, so does the posing of questions. Here we have better idea of what to expect with each other.

Axiom 4: Self-disclosure. High levels of uncertainty in a relationship lead to less sharing and emotional intimacy. Low levels of uncertainty allow for more sharing and emotional intimacy.

Here we lower down our levels of uncertainty by opening up with each other. For us to share more emotional intimacy.

Axiom 5: Reciprocity. High levels of uncertainty lead to more symmetrical questions exchanges in interaction. As uncertainty decreases, so does the need for an equal exchange of talk.

Self-disclosure research confirms the notion that people tent to mete out the personal details of their lives at a rate that closely matches their partner’s willingness to share intimate information. Reciprocal vulnerability is important in the early stages of a relationship.
Axiom 6: Similarity. Personal similarity will decrease uncertainty about another, while dissimilarity will produce higher levels of uncertainty.

(Best friends, page 9)
Our loved for talking out loud is one of our similarities that decrease our uncertainty with each other.

Axiom 7: Liking. An increase in uncertainty will lead to a decrease in linking. A decrease in uncertainty will lead to an increase in liking.

Shanky and I have a open communication that’s why uncertainties between us is low. And a decrease in uncertainty leads us to more close and tight relations hip.

But before we became best of friends we also think of what will be the benefits the friendship will yield and whether to continue the friendship or to distance ourselves from each other.

The Social Penetration Theory states that humans, even with out thinking about it, weigh each relationship and interaction with another human on a reward cost scale. If the interaction was satisfactory, then that person or relationship is looked upon favorably. But if an interaction was unsatisfactory, then the relationship will be evaluated for it's costs compared to it's rewards or benefits
For us to know if our relationship has a chance we should determine the following
If the relationship has a chance we must have a comparison level. Comparison Level (CL) – the value one needs to be satisfied. If a person is satisfied with the outcome of a
(Best friends, page 10)
current relationship in relation to the comparison level, then they will allow the relationship to continue.
The second way to determine if the relationship has a chance is with a person's comparison level of alternatives. Comparison Level of Alternatives (CLalt) - the value one can obtain elsewhere. If there are more rewarding alternatives waiting then the individual will leave the current relationship, but if the alternatives do not appear to be more rewarding, then the current relationship will be maintained. An example of the Comparison Level of Alternatives could be our relationship (Shanky and I). Shanky and I will stay in our relationship because we share common interest and because we don't see any rewarding partner outside our current relationship.
With the help of Social Penetration Theory and Uncertainty Reduction Theory we can develop special relationship with most unexpected person. But here are some important things to keep in mind. While working from layer to layer some person's personality may seem interesting but you must not push things. Let your relationship develop as it naturally should. Another important thing to keep in mind is that everyone is different . Certain people feel very comfortable opening to strangers while other people find it to hard. When first talking with the other person, help them reduce their uncertainty about you. Answer their questions. Ask if you can answer any more and show how trustworthy you are.




Works Cited

Littlejohn, Stephen. Theories of Human Communication. 4th Edition, California: International Thompson Publishing Company,1997

Griffin, Emory. A First Look of Communication Theory. 3rd Edition, New York: McGraw-Hill,1997

Miller, K. Communication Theories: Perspective, processes, and contexts. 2nd Edition, New York: McGraw-Hill,2005

Wood, Julia. Communication Theories in Action. 1st Edition, California: Nadsworth Publishing Corp.,1995

Tubbs, Stewart, Moss Sylvia. Human Communication. 8th Edition, Singapore: McGraw-Hill Book Co. 2000

central and peripheral route..

Central Route:
The uno-dos-tres commercial is my best choice for the central route. It was said in the commercial that uno-dos-tres can cure a lot of sickness like cancer, rheumatism and etc. They presented all the good things of the product very well so that the customer will be persuade to buy the said product. They were also a number of people who were interviewed for the product.


Peripheral Route:
The Lucky Me Pancit Canton that was done by Makisig Morales and other kids is my choice for the peripheral route. The commercial was accepted by the people without any hesitation. They're not even thinking of the effects of the Pancit Canton to them. The song and actions done on the said commercial helps a lot in persuading the people to buy the products without thinking of the side effects.

CraZy time..weeeeeeeeeeeew

I could see that the narrator is really having a crazy time with his family. There's a time I feel the same way too. There's really a time that dealing with your parents is a hard thing to do.

In the part where his mother couldn't let go of mothering her is a thing he should really understand.He should understand it because he rarely visits the house and her mother might really miss her and couldnt stop herself from doing such things.

When his father complains about his smoking, he should listen to it because it's for his own good. Smoking couldn't do anything good thing to him anyway. In the part where his father told him to go back to a premed course he should explain to his dad in a nice way what he really wants. He should tell his dad that he will not succed in a course where his heart is not there. A good talk for both of them is a good thing.

He already did the best thing for his sister now let her do what she wants and let her realize all the things that she's doing. Let her see all the consequences in all the things shes doing.

hey JiM!..ü

dear Jim,

Everybody deserves his or her own privacy. That diary Shelley kept is a part of her. You know for a fact that she dont share it to anyone and youre not an exemption to it. There is nothing really to worry about if you really trust Shelley.

dear Shelley,

According to Baxter's theory dialogue is the key. You and Jim should have a proper communication.You should talk to Jim in a nice way and make him understand that the diary is not a big deal afterall. The two of you should really talk about it so that the relationship will work out.

Sheena..ü

coma101 assignment..

*topic
Why do people wave their hands
-waving of once hand means that your greeting the person and that your happy to see him.
It can also help you when you explain something. Waving your hands while talking in a way that its like illustrating a point differently from your words can impart more information.

*
The topic is important because it can help us to discover why do we wave our hands and
it's also important because it can contribute a new knowledge to behavioral science.

*Sources
Page 50, Skilled Personal Communication 4th edition
Owen Hargie and David Dickson

Page 178 and 186, Interplay 7th edition
Ronald Adler,Neil Towne,Lawrence Rosenfeld and Rusell Proctor

http://books.google.com/books?id=84pB-
rEV9pEC&pg=PA158&lpg=PA158&dq=why+people+wave+their+hands&source=web&ots=LdC7SqzZsT&sig=YV2rWbuJc_kvGmxqT0Kl66PWrrM#PPA158,M1

http://www.boingboing.net/2006/02/18/students-learn-more-.html

http://groups.google.com.ph/group/alt.appalachian/browse_thread/thread/a03f3c7b7a593c98/f8da7d1c6d117732?hl=en&lnk=st&q=why+people+wave+their+hands#f8da7d1c6d117732

* Calendar
1st week: Decide what topic to do. Why is my topic important.
2nd week: Experimentation period; Ask people why they wave their hands.
3rd week: Think over the results.
4th week: Make my conclusion on why people wave their hands.

happy holidays!

During holiday season I did talk to a lot of people. Especially to my cousins during our family reunion. My cousins and I talk all the time. It's our way of coping up for the times that we don't see each other. I think the talks that we share makes us more closer. It's like every time we see each other we slowly peel our outer layer and we show our inner ones. It's like the social penetration theory that people slowly develop close relationships through the process they called peeling.